In this post I want to focus on the importance of intimacy – frankly, sex – in making a man love you.
Now we all know that sex is not the be all and end all of any relationship.
In fact good sex comes from an intimate relationship which exists beyond the bedroom. By intimacy, we mean closeness, affection, mutual understanding, mutual support, and so on – all the qualities that everyone of us would like to experience in a loving relationship.
When these conditions are fulfilled, it’s much easier for a couple to enjoy good sex, because they have open and honest communication which is not fettered by embarrassment or shame. They respect each other’s sensitivities, and they do their best to meet each other’s needs in a way that is commensurate with maintaining clear and firm boundaries between each other.
The Importance of Sex
However there is no doubt that sex plays a fundamental part in establishing a loving relationship between the members of the couple.
That might perhaps be true for men even more than it is for women. Because there is a cliche which we all know, that says something to the effect that men find their love through having sex, while women want sex because they feel loving.
If there’s truth in that, and there seems to be, then it’s obvious that there’s a potential point of friction and conflict in the relationship.
If a man regards sex as a way of relieving physical tension, and in doing so finds his love, he needs to be aware that a woman may not see things in quite the same way.
Women yield to men because they open their hearts, which they do when they are in love with a man. When a woman opens her heart, what she is expecting is honesty, integrity, authenticity, and more than anything else, perhaps sensitivity and caring from the man.
He needs to understand the magnitude of what she’s allowing him to do when he penetrates her body. Now there’s no doubt that women do use sex in many other ways than as the expression of love (and of course here we’re not talking about reproduction or producing children).
Indeed, research has shown there are several hundred reasons why women can have sex – but we’re not talking about sex which is used to some ulterior purpose.
We’re talking here about sex which is done in a spirit of love and affection and intimacy, as a way of re-establishing the bond between two members of the couple.
The question that arises from everything I’ve said so far is simply this: “to what extent could you expect a woman to engage in sexual intercourse with her man just for the sake of pleasing him, or to ‘help’ him move into his love?”
Perhaps the question is too simplistic. Perhaps the fact is that women are willing to have sex with their men simply because they see the pleasure that it gives their men.
Or perhaps women are willing to have sex just because it is a very rapid and intimate route to connection and closeness.
But there is some responsibility on men to understand the fact that foreplay and intimacy and connection and all the things which women love – the softer, more gentler pursuits of the human heart and body – which may not come naturally to many men, are necessary for a woman to fully engage in a loving relationship.
And For the Man?
Now turning this around, and looking at it from the other point of view, the question is for women: “What do you want to do, and what are you willing to do, for a man so that you can get him to love you?”
Selling yourself short by giving away sex just because you want the man to love you and appreciate you is perhaps something that women do when they feel needy and desperate for a relationship.
Does it work? Well there’s no doubt that when a man engages with the woman in bed in a way that is deeply satisfying and profoundly rewarding to him, he is in some way, at some level, conditioned to want to stay with that woman, simply because the sex is so rewarding.
After all intercourse is one of the most intense human experiences, and perhaps one of the most profound natural experiences that the human being can engage in.
I’m not suggesting that women who want a man to love them should just simply go out and give themselves to him, but I think it’s worth mentioning the fact that it is a important for men in the formation of a relationship.
Over the years women have grappled with many questions along these lines – should you have sex on the first date? Should you have sex on the third date? Should you have sex before you’re married? And so on and so forth.
And obviously for each and every woman there is a different moral code at work which is going to apply to her actions and her decisions around physical intimacy with the man that she wants to fall in love with her.
On the other side of the equation, there’s the question of the man’s integrity. In other words, he shouldn’t take advantage of a woman just because she is interested in him sexually. If his feelings for her are not warm, intimate and deep, keep the boundary…..
A woman might throw herself to man for all kinds of reasons, but if he takes advantage of this just for his own physical gratification, then he is not acting with integrity, and he’s letting her down as well.
After all, let me take you back to what I said at the start of this article, which is something to the effect that the best relationships are built on intimacy, love and trust – and that’s an exchange of values which must go in both directions: between a man and his partner, and between the woman and the man whom she wishes to fall in love with her.
And there’s no question that people who want to be in relationships, people want to make someone else love them, will resort to what we could call manipulative strategies.
There are plenty of examples of this in the world, so my final wish is that each and every one of us finds a loving relationship. One that enables not only ourselves but the man or woman whom we want to spend our life with to be treated with respect and gentleness.
Why? Because the wounds that we suffer in childhood go deep, and continue to haunt us later in life, and it’s much better for our well-being if these wounds are not activated by unthinking and uncaring actions from other people. Particularly the men and women we love.